I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
