The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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