the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
