Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
