You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
