the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
