There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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