also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
