The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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