That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
