Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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