i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
