Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
