6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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