felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
