two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
