How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
