When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
