need another drink. this is the easiest way
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize