I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
if only i could text you this smell
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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