im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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