I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
