I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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