the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
