I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
These tits shall not be calmed
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
