i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
