I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
