The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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