I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
