now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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