Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
