D3 body, D1 cock
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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