I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I need to align my fucking chakras
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
