You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
