Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
