my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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