Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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