Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
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Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
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Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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