omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
