i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He passed out mid-signature
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.