I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.