I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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