Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
