I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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