Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
