i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
