remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
