dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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