I smell stomach acid.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just cropdusted the office
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
