Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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