I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
