just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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