ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Randomize
