were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
