It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm just crazy horny about you
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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