Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
