I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
