So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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